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photomama4 [userpic]

Growing up....Not again...

November 6th, 2010 (09:06 pm)
contemplative

current mood: contemplative

So tonight i said good-bye to my daughter, who is as we speak moving in with her friend right here in town, thank god, anywhere else would probably kill me. We as in my family and close friends have been through a lot with this girl child of mine and i am sure there will be more in the road ahead but for now all is calm. Tamara came home when she realized that right now school is a bit to much for her with her current issues in her life to handle right now. And to be honset mine too, she will kill me yet i just know it. But i am getting off at the wrong stop here, anyway tonite i said my good-bye to her and she took her stuff i have been bitching about for over 2 mths now and her dog and away she went. HMMMMMM yup i have a 21 yr old son that has been out for a bit now and he just moved into a friends place also and i felt great relief that i knew he was going to be in a better place than he was. And it is not that Tam wont be in a better place i know she will, she will have her own space and Mom wont be poking her nose in and out of it like a cake in the oven. Maybe it is because she is my only girl and her leaving leaves me in a sea of tossing testosterone AGAIN... when she left for college i cried for days, now i just feel at a loss, i miss her already and she is about 2 miles away. Hmmmmmppfff maybe i secretly liked having something to complain about, and now that she is gone, but that can't be it, i can think of 20 different things to complain about and thats on a bad day. Maybe it is the girl thing, i had her to chat with, or maybe it is the fact that i worry about her excessively, hmmm i don't know. But i will have to deal i know and i will thanks to Lj and being able to vent when needed. But too top this nite off , my husband of 14 years, which we have been experiencing some troubled waters latley, kissed her on the cheek told her to call if she needed anything that he loved her. I watched her drive off and then continued to read a book i was engrossed in before she came to get her things, the words getting blurry before my eyes, my phone chimes in..and it is a text from the man sitting across from me, " It will be okay hun, i am here for you to cry on instead of that page your trying to read" Ahhhh just when i think i want to kill him and be done with it he says something or does something, because he knows me so well...Damn-it, i hate it when people can read me that well..even my husband, i love to keep people guessing,even him. But tonight he came shinning through as the man i fell in love with...I thought growing up was for our children but i think at times because we reach a certain age we think we have learned all that can be learned, nope i guess we all are hamsters on the wheels of life, just keep going and going and going..round and round.And learning as we go along..yup, stop too fast and ..bam...you go flying through the air and the ground reaches up and slams you pretty hard..I hope Tami lands safer then others have, and i hope she learns , and mostly i hope she has learned from recent mistakes and learns to not repeat them,or catches herself before hitting the ground so hard she can't get up, and i wont be there to help her up.

photomama4 [userpic]

Baby,baby,baby...

November 4th, 2010 (07:04 pm)
bouncy

current mood: bouncy

I am babysitting a nine mth old tonite...and what a cutie..crawling around and getting into things. My daughter has a friend who has this lil boy named Even and they all went to green bay for a nite of shopping but her friend needed a babysitter.So i volunteered...oh yeah, i want more...but since that wont happen i will settle 4 this. Who ever thought you would miss changing diapers..moving stuff from lil hands..cleaning up baby-food cheeks..I DOOOOO. Wow never saw that coming. But i don't think we realize how fast they grow-up and start doing for themselves. We complain that we are tired and can't wait till they can do this or that for themselves. We complain about the cost of diapers and formula. We wish they would sleep sound through the night. And as these things happen we celebrate, and some of us take for granted how much we will someday miss these moments. Hello..here i am..I want one...I will be sad to see him go, but my dogs WONT..I had to put my dane in the kennel..all he did was bark at this poor child, and scare the living hell out of him..poor baby..I had to put my prego ratchi behind the gate due to growling at Even when ever i picked him up the rest of the 4 legged children were fine with this creature in their domain and with sharing their mom. Boomer my big ole 9mth old dane, same age as Even , who does not have a mean bone in his body was just barking from fear..what is this and what will it do to me, i could see the hamsters running over their wheel in his head..I still want one...I have a 2 yr old niece but i very seldom see her, wish i did. But family dynamics says otherwise.I could not wait to be a Auntie, now i am but just in name only. And since my sister won't be having any hatch-lings for me to spoil i guess...god i can't believe i am saying this..i will have to wait to be a Grandmother...well the lil one has awoken and needs to be spoiled some more soi will report in later..

photomama4 [userpic]

UUGGGHHHHHHHHHH...

November 3rd, 2010 (02:11 am)
awake

current mood: awake

Not again...yup here i am up again at 2:00am, more like 12:00 but i figure if i say 2 it makes it seem like i was actually in bed sleeping till 2 , WHICH IN A SENSE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I GOT SOME SLEEP...But alas nooooooooooooo. I thought i was kicking this 3rd shift existence's ass. Why my clock is so screwed up i have no idea..Wish i did. So here i sit feeling like a creeper looking at Lj's and reading there journals wondering what they are dreaming about in their warm beds...Damn it, my bed was warm, but no gotta get up and do what? It's like my body says time to get up face the world and go out and do something..WTF..yeah if i was a vampire maybe, or a bat, how about a possum or a raccoon..they are night dwellers with a purpose. Hmmm now i have to sit here and think what purpose do i have..Great i just now have sealed my doom in ever getting back to sleep with that great big question looming over my head...

photomama4 [userpic]

Writer's Block: You can't take that away from me!

November 1st, 2010 (07:50 am)

If you had to go an entire week without TV, music, or your mobile phone, which would you choose, and why?
I guess i would say TV i don't need TV to be entertained i love to read and play on the computer, and with my hatch-lings , like i get a chance to watch what i want anyway, and if and when i do they make too much noise for me to hear it anyway. But music i need to drown their noise out and you can not have my cell phone, i need it to talk to my friend who keeps me from going insane at night when i can not sleep, she works night-shift and i am a insomniac so she is my life line for company in the adult world which i do not get a lot of.

photomama4 [userpic]

Mothers from hell....Does anyone else have one?

October 30th, 2010 (10:19 am)

Okay so i have this mother, a mother i love with all my heart, i truley do...i mean she raised me, she did help mold me into the person i am today which in all honesty i feel is a pretty good person, i love my children and i do my best, i have a best friend i would walk through fire for and to top it off i love my dogs with all my heart. I dont like to see any person or animal which i put right up there with people mind you, hence why i have 4 children and numerous dogs..i was put here to care for individuals with evey ounce of my being...So then why would i have a mother who loves and i means she LOVES creating total miscontent with other peoples lives including her children and their spouces..Why? who knows it is like she isnt happy unless people around her are unhappy..And i was blessed with this mother why? Wtf..and i pray to what god is ever listeaning to not let me be this way as i age, her mother was the same way also. I watched that game between them for years..and what a game it was to watch..almost poetic like..It would leave me in awe most times. And then i would be left wondering why people would do that to one another..And now here i sit with the chaos around me and in the mist of trying to pick up the pieces and wonder to myself..mirror mirror on the wall am i really like my mother after all? God dont let this happen to me and my loved ones around me cause if so i am having a disclaimer tatooed to my ass..in case of chaos causing miscontent disarm by removing my tongue!!! Is this a disease that plagues the females in my family or are there others out there in this big wide world that suffer from this disorder? And i really ,really feel there should be a support group for us...

photomama4 [userpic]

Stress ,stress and more stress...I want a refund

September 14th, 2010 (09:57 am)
aggravated

current mood: aggravated

Again 3 trazadone at 5:15 am due to not being able to sleep and awake by 8:30am ..i have a headache from hell, i am grumpy and i totally lost it last night with my kids and husband, now i know this is all related, but right now the stress level is so flipping high in my house i feel like screaming all the time. I can't shut my head off when i lay my head down on my pillow. Everything just keep rolling over and over...Daughter home from college due to in and out of hospitals to do suicidal attempts, older son here day in and day out complaining of his living arrangements, middle son ...well he is 13 going on 20 and is so cocky and mouthy it's going to get me huge dental bills when i make him eat his teeth for dessert one night, and then the youngest well he is 9 and hates school and complains daily of some ailment that would make him stay home from school, which i feel he learned from the 13 yr old who did the same damn thing. I am tired and worn out, i have a husband that sits there which i am assuming is due to his inability to deal with it and just shuts it out...UGGGHHH . I have tried counseling, hmmmm can we say joke..all i learned from that was i have mommy issues and wtf that is suppose to mean i have no damn clue...well maybe some clue but i am not dealing with that also on top of all that is on my plate. Now i know i am complaining and i should just suck it up...but i just wanted to bitch in hope someone will read this and this in its self makes me feel somewhat better...i guess i am using this as a venting forum..thank you for reading...

photomama4 [userpic]

Sleep"nevermore"

September 12th, 2010 (04:32 am)
aggravated

current mood: aggravated

I am so tired of not being able to sleep! I remember when i was a kid too and not sleeping right,waking up at all hours then other times sleeping like the dead. I am sick and tired of going back to the doctor for medication to put me to sleep..uggghh. I am tired of worrying about sleep. I hate the fact i have to think about " if i go to bed now i should be up at this time, but if i wait maybe i will sleep till then".I am tired of the fact that i wake at 3:30 am and feel wide awake yet i just went to bed at midnight...i end up staying awake till 10 or so in the am but then i need to go back to bed due to feeling totally exhausted..sleep till 2 pm and then feel like i am in a huge fog the rest of the day and get nothing accomplished...This sucks ,sucks,sucks..

photomama4 [userpic]

Home again...

September 11th, 2010 (09:00 am)
ditzy

current mood: ditzy

So i went to my sisters for a bit of silence and rejuvenation, ahhhhhhhhhhhh yes it was a good couple of days, we laughed so hard at stupid stuff and at our mother who came along. She just looked at us and shook her head many times, we know she wonders how in the world we came from her and our father..But i just keep telling her " the apples don't fall far from the tree"..So she is nuts just like the rest of us, or as soft in the head as a baked apple...lol

photomama4 [userpic]

goodmorning sunshine...

September 11th, 2010 (08:52 am)
awake

current mood: awake

photomama4 [userpic]

refresh...

September 11th, 2010 (08:51 am)
calm

current mood: calm

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